Menopause Monologues: Grief and its Process

*** Warning: There are a few expletives' in this blog, but this is geared towards my experience with early menopause. Therefor my a little colorful language came out. ***

Woman need to grieve the losses that occur with early menopause and there is no space for them to do so. There is no where in society we feel like we fit in. There are no 30-year-old woman in the adds for lube, nor is there older women. We are both a mirage in this world. We aren’t shown as objects of men’s fantasies and yes, I am upset about that. You never see lube in a move, you never see a woman in pain crying in her shower due to vaginal pain, despite over 50% of women in the world experiencing it. You don’t see foreplay anywhere, nor is taught about in sex ed, because there is no sex ed. So when a women can’t just jump right to penetration any more feelings of brokenness and unworthy settle into her soul.

The age group of our friends are in their “dirty thirties” (or younger, some women never menstruate) and in their sexual prime! The women who we can learn from often transitioned into menopause gracefully in their 50s…when it was time for them to slow down…when they are expecting for it to happen.

Then a lot of POI (premature ovarian insufficiency ) comes from either a necessary hysterectomy or idiopathic (unknown causes) so essentially these women have to chose life over vitality or it hits them like a punch in the face out of nowhere. Or maybe a punch in the cunt is a more accurate description. For me my period was irregular for a while. I tried to complain but I was dismissed told it was my copper IUD despite it not causing that prior. Then It just stopped for over 6 months. My then fiancé now, my husband, was like that is enough we need to figure this out. Because of his concern pushing me forward to advocate for myself labs were finally ordered. I was told my FSH was high, but my estrogen was low, like really low, almost non-existent. I was told I most like am experiencing menopause and I should start taking birth control to protect my bones and such. I explained I had a copper IUD because hormonal B/C made me ill my whole young adult life and I tried oh so many. They didn’t care. Then always came the sad looks and “ are you sure you didn’t want kids?” I was sure and their questions actually made it impossible for me to grieve properly for a long time. Luckily I found a Naturopathic Doctor who changed everything for me and helped me. We tried more natural treatments for about a year and half then we finally decided to move on to hormone replacement therapy due to low quality of life. I was lucky. I had the family support and ability to go to a Naturopathic School near my home so I could afford this care. A lot of women don’t have the support or the funds to make this treatment available to them or even have access to a gynecologist!

Which made me the think. What If I had someone who was also punched in the cunt there for me to navigate the bullshit? To allow me to be angry in the right ways. Who wasn’t perfect but understood me? How different would it have been? How much easier would it have been? I went to online forums and I couldn’t find comfort there, I couldn’t see the support, I couldn’t see what I needed. I just saw a regurgitation of Wikipedia information and negativity. I needed some humor as well. I still do. My coach had me realize today that 4 years later I am grieving the loss of my previous experience with aspects of my health. Wow, that was a punch to my cunt and a kick to my egos gut! How can I still be grieving? Like for real… I accepted this bullshit…oh wait…“this bullshit” hmm that sounds like anger… which then triggered sadness.. which means I am still grieving!

So what now? I am a lifestyle coach…I am a nurse…I a wife…I am positive influence for my co-workers. I can’t do this ugly thing called grief… that shit doesn’t look good on Instagram or FB. But, neither does ego or spiritual bypassing, and my ego sure as hell is one ugly S.O.B! Which the ego is what is feeding me this idea of perfection to begin with. So, I am going to grieve how I am meant to grieve. Grief isn’t always related to loosing a person, it could be a thing, place, person, or experience. Anything that means something to us if we lose it we can and probably will grieve it. It is how we work as humans. Something my coach said today was so beautiful.

That our ego tells us that grief is the end of our story when really it is just the end of a chapter. Once we finish this chapter and allow ourselves to grieve a new chapter can really start.

That statement amazing and totally made feel like this grief stuff might have a purpose. That it might be worth sharing. That yes, I help people, yes I am positive to a sickening level, yes I am a healer, but I am also a woman. A woman that is invested in her own growth and wellness. A woman that has been through hell over the past few years. A woman trying to heal her shadows so she can bathe in her light. This is what makes me me. This is all of me and if people don’t like it that is fine by me. I am not here to make anyone else happy anymore. I am here for me first, because when I speak my truth I know I am truly helping another. That when I share about my POI another woman out there is going to go “holy shit she gets it, she gets me. I am not alone” and that is totally worth another hundred people who might think less of me or think a weird.

So in parting, my name is Casey-Lee and I have POI and I am currently grieving the changes and losses in my life that POI has caused. I am going deeper yet again to be a proactive part of my own healing. I am worth this and so much more.

I encourage every woman out there that is experiencing Menopause to really make sure you have the time and support to process this big change in your life. Whether it is "early" or "on time" I truly believe there is grieving for all of us to do before we can start to enjoy our new version of our femininity. That once we process this heaviness we can start playing in our new sensuality. This to me is the reward to look forward to and the reason for the image I chose below.

With love and aloha.

Casey-Lee Flood, RN, NC,YT200