Burnout to Brilliance

Embracing my Authentic Self and Innate Ability to Heal.

Love is Everywhere

In 2016 I was faced with a huge change in my life, being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (early menopause) caused by #compassionfatigue/Nurse Burnout. The biggest take away for me was the realization of time, aging, mortality and staying healthy all had to be personally defined by me. I stopped menstruating literally 2 decades before the expected timing. Yet, I still intend to live a long, healthy and sensuous life. Therefore, my temple (body) and its grounds (environment) will require regular maintenance: love, attention, nourishment and authentic living. This shakes me down to my core. It is what I crave and what I always have found most challenging to accomplish. It is what I ask of my clients. For in the space of authenticity everything else falls into place. All the abundance, health, love, peace, balance, spirit, it all comes with authentic living.

To me authentic living is when you strip away all the “I should, could and have to” statements along with the self-judgment that follows. When you strip these things away you are left with nothing. This nothingness is often also earthshattering. This phase of growth is often the realization point that you are burnt out goes by many names in the healing community: shadow work, inner critic, super ego, depression, ect. It also can get through to most people and let them see there is a dire need for change.

Nurse burnout did this for me because I did not want to see where I was heading, that I was depleting myself and making myself ill. My burnout brought me to my knees by taking my menstruation at 29 years old. It also took my health, my joy and my yoga practice. It left me empty, depressed, stressed and 25lbs heavier. There were warning signs, that my husband tried to show me, and my body tried to teach me. But I thought that I was young and did not have to think about my mortality. I take care of people who are way closer to death than I thought I was.

Then I had to go through all the stages of grief, this is the second phase of Burnout, and it is paralyzing. I still did not know what was wrong either…I still thought it was my fault that I just wasn’t strong enough. It couldn’t be anything to do with work or the chronic stress it brings. I just focused on staying positive and pushing all my body’s needs way down. Even when through the grief I saw the problem my inner critics/super ego had answers: “You are a nurse, it is all you have. You can’t do anything else this well, so suck it up!”. My other favorite inauthentic thought was “You worked so hard for this promotion do not give it up.”

My morning mug of coffee turned into 2 or sometimes 4 cups a day. This further taxed my adrenals and decreased my water intake. I was emotionally eating now while at work. Yet the stress kept coming, I was less of myself and more of a zombie at the end of the day. So about after 5 months of drowning in grief and getting no answers from traditional western medicine I found a naturopathic doctor. With my own intense efforts, his knowledge and lots of testing I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure. Over time I slowly started improving experiencing some subtle sparks of live and joy coming back into my body. There was still a long way to go.

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Then in 2017 Tim, my husband, friend and beloved, and I went to Maui for our wedding anniversary. Mother Maui wrapped her arms around me and whispered, “My child, you’ve come home!”. Luckily burnout brought me back to Maui permanently on 8/15/18. I now see burnout was a gift, it opened my eyes to see what I had created was not was sustainable. I now realize that is okay I do not have to be a wonder woman or Super Nurse. That we can change our minds, lives, bodies and living locations even if people think we are ‘crazy’ or do not think it will work.

In authenticity I now embrace my early menopause. I also left management all together. Since moving to Maui I decided to pour myself in Nourish the Nurturer and enroll in a Board-Certified #nursecoach program. Every decision I make in my authenticity is another step into my brilliance.

I have learned and integrated that action is more important than perfection. That every day I have opportunities to make healthy choices that support my authentic life. I also see that if some days I am unable to make the healthiest choice, I am still worthy of self-love and care. The tangible evidence of my brilliance are losing 20lbs in 6 months, while having increasing energy, passion and mental clarity.

As nurses we are taught about our gut feelings and how to pay attention to them when it comes to our patients. I know that my gut has literally saved a person’s life. Yet, we don’t apply it to our own lives? Our gut is our authentic life! It is our compass that drives our emotions, and that can save our own lives. What does your gut say about authentic living? What does it look like for you?

For me it is living with nature and Mother Maui, it is embracing all aspects of my role as healer on this planet. Blending both Eastern and Western Modalities into one comprehensive program allowing myself and others to take part in sustainable self-care. I will always love nursing at its core, but I will not allow any job to take my own health away. It will never again take my spirituality away, or my passion for life, my empathy, my love. These things are not anyone else’s to take, nor are they mine, they are given from the universe (or God, or science whatever you call it)! I shine brilliantly to light the way for myself and others. Who is ready to join me?